After my first miscarriage, i was heart broken and depressed.. Had to attend a few baby showers.. which was the most difficult thing to do after the incident... I became fragile.. I was crying easily.. always had a sad face and lost interest in most of my daily activities...
A trip to Goa gave me some hope.. i thought, lets enjoy this last trip before i get pregnant again... Who knew back then, that this wasn't my last trip..
Got pregnant again after 3 months... I remember, my sisters were home the next day i got a positive test.. Had to pretend like i was absolutely normal while going through constant cramps.. Few days after they left, i miscarried... I was so disappointed... But then decided its time to go to a fertility specialist, as i sensed that something is definitely wrong with me...
My new doctor gave me a number of blood tests to do and found out few problems in me, which as per her, were easily solvable.. We tried again.. for the third time.. and got pregnant easily.. Only to miscarry just as easily.. I was shattered...!!! The third time?? Really???
This was totally unexpected and this was the time when i went into severe depression.. I might have done a few wrong things during this time.. Also had thoughts of hurting myself.. This was a dark phase of my life.. And i felt like i will never come out of this...
But somehow slowly i did.. But then another thing happened, i started thinking negative all the time... which for the first time resulted in no immediate pregnancies.. It was shocking for me that i didn't conceive on the first try... Which led us to the most wrong decision we ever took... IVF !!
IVF is a very difficult and a stressful procedure.. but somehow even after taking 100 injections i stayed hopeful and positive.. and thus.. i conceived.. Initially everything was going fine but as soon as i approached my 6th week, something went wrong and i miscarried...again ! I remember crying for the first time in front of the doctor..
Took a break, consulted every possible astrologer i know.. who told me 2017 is going to be my year.. and got hopeful again...
Even though i was hopeful this time, i didn't conceive immediately.. thus making us come to another wrong decision, FET!! This 5th pregnancy was absolutely wrong time.. with a death in the house and every possible relative around, it was hard for me to rest, thus resulting in a spontaneous miscarriage.. I was heartbroken but i was not depressed. With all these 5 miscarriages i had slowly developed the ability to be emotionally strong. I completely dropped the idea of getting pregnant... specially after developing a weird auto-immune disorder.
6th pregnancy was a complete surprise.. For the first time i had an unplanned pregnancy.. I thought, may be this was god's plan all along, specially after seeing a heartbeat.. which i only saw in 1st pregnancy till now.. But, i was wrong again... this was the pregnancy where i was the most miserable, in a lot of pain and distress and i just wanted to give up.. Ultimately, that did happen, god gave up this pregnancy for me.
Now i understood, pregnancy is actually not meant for me.. I am emotionally ready, but my body is still not ready.. I took this 6th pregnancy as my wakeup call.. realized that i am better off without it.. My body is not programmed for it to happen... I accepted this fact and took this whole experience as a "part and parcel of life"..!!
That's when i gave surrogacy a thought.. Surrogacy is always the last resort.. Nobody really wants it to happen.. Its only for those who don't have a choice.. For people like me.. whose bodies are not meant to carry a baby..
Initially, i used to have this thought that, i am not a complete women.. Women are supposed to get pregnant, and i felt like a failure 'coz i couldn't do it.. But now i have accepted my situation.. I feel absolutely okay.. I don't feel like a failure.. and thanks to my mother and my best friend who are proud of me for doing this.. I feel more like a woman... !!
A trip to Goa gave me some hope.. i thought, lets enjoy this last trip before i get pregnant again... Who knew back then, that this wasn't my last trip..
Got pregnant again after 3 months... I remember, my sisters were home the next day i got a positive test.. Had to pretend like i was absolutely normal while going through constant cramps.. Few days after they left, i miscarried... I was so disappointed... But then decided its time to go to a fertility specialist, as i sensed that something is definitely wrong with me...
My new doctor gave me a number of blood tests to do and found out few problems in me, which as per her, were easily solvable.. We tried again.. for the third time.. and got pregnant easily.. Only to miscarry just as easily.. I was shattered...!!! The third time?? Really???
This was totally unexpected and this was the time when i went into severe depression.. I might have done a few wrong things during this time.. Also had thoughts of hurting myself.. This was a dark phase of my life.. And i felt like i will never come out of this...
But somehow slowly i did.. But then another thing happened, i started thinking negative all the time... which for the first time resulted in no immediate pregnancies.. It was shocking for me that i didn't conceive on the first try... Which led us to the most wrong decision we ever took... IVF !!
IVF is a very difficult and a stressful procedure.. but somehow even after taking 100 injections i stayed hopeful and positive.. and thus.. i conceived.. Initially everything was going fine but as soon as i approached my 6th week, something went wrong and i miscarried...again ! I remember crying for the first time in front of the doctor..
Took a break, consulted every possible astrologer i know.. who told me 2017 is going to be my year.. and got hopeful again...
Even though i was hopeful this time, i didn't conceive immediately.. thus making us come to another wrong decision, FET!! This 5th pregnancy was absolutely wrong time.. with a death in the house and every possible relative around, it was hard for me to rest, thus resulting in a spontaneous miscarriage.. I was heartbroken but i was not depressed. With all these 5 miscarriages i had slowly developed the ability to be emotionally strong. I completely dropped the idea of getting pregnant... specially after developing a weird auto-immune disorder.
6th pregnancy was a complete surprise.. For the first time i had an unplanned pregnancy.. I thought, may be this was god's plan all along, specially after seeing a heartbeat.. which i only saw in 1st pregnancy till now.. But, i was wrong again... this was the pregnancy where i was the most miserable, in a lot of pain and distress and i just wanted to give up.. Ultimately, that did happen, god gave up this pregnancy for me.
Now i understood, pregnancy is actually not meant for me.. I am emotionally ready, but my body is still not ready.. I took this 6th pregnancy as my wakeup call.. realized that i am better off without it.. My body is not programmed for it to happen... I accepted this fact and took this whole experience as a "part and parcel of life"..!!
That's when i gave surrogacy a thought.. Surrogacy is always the last resort.. Nobody really wants it to happen.. Its only for those who don't have a choice.. For people like me.. whose bodies are not meant to carry a baby..
Initially, i used to have this thought that, i am not a complete women.. Women are supposed to get pregnant, and i felt like a failure 'coz i couldn't do it.. But now i have accepted my situation.. I feel absolutely okay.. I don't feel like a failure.. and thanks to my mother and my best friend who are proud of me for doing this.. I feel more like a woman... !!
