The surrogacy journey...starts...

As soon as me and Pratik decided to go for surrogacy, it was time to talk to our parents about it.. It didn't take a lot of convincing really, coz our parents very well knew the pain we were going through.. So we didn't waste any time and rushed to our doctor and told her that we were ready..

Our doctor lined up potential surrogates for us to choose from and we went though their profiles and medical history and shortlisted 3 out of 5..  I liked these three surrogates but out of those 3 there was this one woman i liked the most..

Something happened during the initial days of our medications and the one i liked the most disappeared due to some reason.. I got a bit sad but then we had two more options out of which i liked one more.. and after a few days she disappeared too.. !!😨 I was angry and confused.. but then, few days later..i don't know what happened and the first woman showed up again and agreed to be our surrogate.. !👍

It was like a roller coaster ride.. One day our doctor gave the good news of finding the best surrogate and the other day she disappeared..  I mean.. seriously !!! Who does that !😳

But anyway, the day of our egg retrieval arrived and i was all prepared with all the injections i had taken the last 12 days.. expecting to get atleast 3 eggs.. But to our surprise.. the doctor got 9 mature eggs ! Out of which 7 fertilized ! I was surprised.. !!😍 Pretty good numbers for a patient like me with low fertility..

So basically, my darling baby was conceived on 21st March 2018 at 12.30pm !! I will always remember this date.. coz this was the day my little munchkin came into existence!!💕

On the second day after the retrieval, doctor transferred 3 healthy embryos into the surrogate and on the 5th day she transferred only 1 blastocyst.. we were a little sad as no embryos were left to freeze, but anyway that didn't matter much as we wanted only one healthy baby in the end.. And i am guessing any one out of the two embryos above, stuck..!!

12 days after the transfer we were going to get the results.. and frankly speaking i was pretty confident that its going to be positive.. It was only during the morning of the test day when i got super nervous and was constantly looking at my phone...

I remember i was having lunch with mummy when i got a text msg from my doctor saying that its positive.. !!! I said with excitement... "Mummy... Positive !!!"😍😍 while showing her the text msg..
The first report was superb with healthy HCG numbers.. i was very happy !!! I was dancing !!💃

After a week we did the second report and it was great too.. But since the numbers were on a higher side, my doctor predicted it might be twins.. Frankly speaking, single or twins.. i didn't care.. I just wanted a baby.. that's all !!

The entire IVF process, meeting the surrogate and everything else went very smoothly .. I was really nervous regarding how will i react.. how will i feel and what will i do... but i think i handled everything pretty well..

What happens if this doesn't work and what happens if something goes wrong.. questions like these  did come in my mind once.. but i tried not to think much about anything like that.. I don't know what went wrong in the past pregnancies, but i know one thing for sure that my over-thinking was definitely responsible for all wrong that happened with me.

Before going for surrogacy when i had doubts in my mind.. i asked every mother i knew and who knows my story, "How much is carrying our baby really important?" and "Which was the best part, pregnancy or the baby ??"  And everyone i asked this question to told me only one thing... The best part is after the baby arrives.. !!

And now i can't wait ... Just wanna hold my baby asap !!!!

A pool of all kinds of emotions..

After every miscarriage and before every new pregnancy was the worst time of my life.. It was full of the feeling of loss and failure..  I felt like i am never going to get the happiness of being a mother.. and being pregnant! And with every pregnancy news coming up either on Facebook or somewhere else.. i was getting more depressed and lost.. Jealousy was so much that i used to avoid some of these ladies.. Crying was something i did very frequently.. I had no idea how much time its gonna take for me to be a mom... Had no idea if i will be able to carry a pregnancy full term.. i was so clueless.. In short, i was miserable... I needed help..

Then there was also a time when i tried hard to pick myself up.. gave myself some motivation and tried to find new interests..Doing all this somehow made me strong.. slowly slowly i stopped crying so much... i started enjoying with Pratik..

But then, this new phase started coming up.. The "Hate" phase.. I started to hate kids, started to hate new parents who always talked about their kids.. started to hate friends who brought their kids along with them to our outings.. and a new thought process started.. may be i am better off without having a kid..

But only now i realize that the hating phase was just another form of depression.. Although i was not crying.. but i was still constantly thinking about kids..

I never really.. completely ditched the idea of babies and kids.. it was always there in my thoughts in some form or the other...

These three years were a mixed bag of emotions for me.. and the biggest struggle i have ever gone through.. till now.

After the sixth miscarriage, when the idea of surrogacy was certain in my mind.. i found another new emotion.. i don't know how to really explain it, its like.. you know that you are going to get what you really wanted since a long time, but you are not completely satisfied with it. I was happy, really happy.. but i was sad too.. for not carrying the pregnancy myself..

I really really wanted to experience pregnancy at least once in my life... just once ! It was my dream to carry that bump..and have baby shower and all.. But, i had to go for surrogacy.. It was a choice i had to make coz i couldn't let my body suffer anymore.. and I didn't want any more pain and bleeding...

Ohh!! that awful bleeding phase of the miscarriage.. It crushes you completely.. It is as horrible as experiencing a loss of your living child.. No one should ever experience this pain.. why to give a child in the first place when god just wanted to take it back!!?? I don't get it !

Fear, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Anxiety, Hatred, Jealousy, Helplessness... and many more of such negative feelings is what i felt in these 3 years.. But in the end, these feelings made me strong and made me appreciate what i have now.. I slowly learned not to give importance to these feelings.. coz feelings are temporary.. trust me.. its true !

May be i am saying all this right now because now i know i finally have someone.. my angle baby .. who is coming very soon this winter..

Who knows, if i was still struggling i might have been more depressed than i ever was... who knows !!

But right now.. I am so happy !!!!!! Finally... I am happy !!