A pool of all kinds of emotions..

After every miscarriage and before every new pregnancy was the worst time of my life.. It was full of the feeling of loss and failure..  I felt like i am never going to get the happiness of being a mother.. and being pregnant! And with every pregnancy news coming up either on Facebook or somewhere else.. i was getting more depressed and lost.. Jealousy was so much that i used to avoid some of these ladies.. Crying was something i did very frequently.. I had no idea how much time its gonna take for me to be a mom... Had no idea if i will be able to carry a pregnancy full term.. i was so clueless.. In short, i was miserable... I needed help..

Then there was also a time when i tried hard to pick myself up.. gave myself some motivation and tried to find new interests..Doing all this somehow made me strong.. slowly slowly i stopped crying so much... i started enjoying with Pratik..

But then, this new phase started coming up.. The "Hate" phase.. I started to hate kids, started to hate new parents who always talked about their kids.. started to hate friends who brought their kids along with them to our outings.. and a new thought process started.. may be i am better off without having a kid..

But only now i realize that the hating phase was just another form of depression.. Although i was not crying.. but i was still constantly thinking about kids..

I never really.. completely ditched the idea of babies and kids.. it was always there in my thoughts in some form or the other...

These three years were a mixed bag of emotions for me.. and the biggest struggle i have ever gone through.. till now.

After the sixth miscarriage, when the idea of surrogacy was certain in my mind.. i found another new emotion.. i don't know how to really explain it, its like.. you know that you are going to get what you really wanted since a long time, but you are not completely satisfied with it. I was happy, really happy.. but i was sad too.. for not carrying the pregnancy myself..

I really really wanted to experience pregnancy at least once in my life... just once ! It was my dream to carry that bump..and have baby shower and all.. But, i had to go for surrogacy.. It was a choice i had to make coz i couldn't let my body suffer anymore.. and I didn't want any more pain and bleeding...

Ohh!! that awful bleeding phase of the miscarriage.. It crushes you completely.. It is as horrible as experiencing a loss of your living child.. No one should ever experience this pain.. why to give a child in the first place when god just wanted to take it back!!?? I don't get it !

Fear, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Anxiety, Hatred, Jealousy, Helplessness... and many more of such negative feelings is what i felt in these 3 years.. But in the end, these feelings made me strong and made me appreciate what i have now.. I slowly learned not to give importance to these feelings.. coz feelings are temporary.. trust me.. its true !

May be i am saying all this right now because now i know i finally have someone.. my angle baby .. who is coming very soon this winter..

Who knows, if i was still struggling i might have been more depressed than i ever was... who knows !!

But right now.. I am so happy !!!!!! Finally... I am happy !!