The surrogacy journey...starts...

As soon as me and Pratik decided to go for surrogacy, it was time to talk to our parents about it.. It didn't take a lot of convincing really, coz our parents very well knew the pain we were going through.. So we didn't waste any time and rushed to our doctor and told her that we were ready..

Our doctor lined up potential surrogates for us to choose from and we went though their profiles and medical history and shortlisted 3 out of 5..  I liked these three surrogates but out of those 3 there was this one woman i liked the most..

Something happened during the initial days of our medications and the one i liked the most disappeared due to some reason.. I got a bit sad but then we had two more options out of which i liked one more.. and after a few days she disappeared too.. !!😨 I was angry and confused.. but then, few days later..i don't know what happened and the first woman showed up again and agreed to be our surrogate.. !👍

It was like a roller coaster ride.. One day our doctor gave the good news of finding the best surrogate and the other day she disappeared..  I mean.. seriously !!! Who does that !😳

But anyway, the day of our egg retrieval arrived and i was all prepared with all the injections i had taken the last 12 days.. expecting to get atleast 3 eggs.. But to our surprise.. the doctor got 9 mature eggs ! Out of which 7 fertilized ! I was surprised.. !!😍 Pretty good numbers for a patient like me with low fertility..

So basically, my darling baby was conceived on 21st March 2018 at 12.30pm !! I will always remember this date.. coz this was the day my little munchkin came into existence!!💕

On the second day after the retrieval, doctor transferred 3 healthy embryos into the surrogate and on the 5th day she transferred only 1 blastocyst.. we were a little sad as no embryos were left to freeze, but anyway that didn't matter much as we wanted only one healthy baby in the end.. And i am guessing any one out of the two embryos above, stuck..!!

12 days after the transfer we were going to get the results.. and frankly speaking i was pretty confident that its going to be positive.. It was only during the morning of the test day when i got super nervous and was constantly looking at my phone...

I remember i was having lunch with mummy when i got a text msg from my doctor saying that its positive.. !!! I said with excitement... "Mummy... Positive !!!"😍😍 while showing her the text msg..
The first report was superb with healthy HCG numbers.. i was very happy !!! I was dancing !!💃

After a week we did the second report and it was great too.. But since the numbers were on a higher side, my doctor predicted it might be twins.. Frankly speaking, single or twins.. i didn't care.. I just wanted a baby.. that's all !!

The entire IVF process, meeting the surrogate and everything else went very smoothly .. I was really nervous regarding how will i react.. how will i feel and what will i do... but i think i handled everything pretty well..

What happens if this doesn't work and what happens if something goes wrong.. questions like these  did come in my mind once.. but i tried not to think much about anything like that.. I don't know what went wrong in the past pregnancies, but i know one thing for sure that my over-thinking was definitely responsible for all wrong that happened with me.

Before going for surrogacy when i had doubts in my mind.. i asked every mother i knew and who knows my story, "How much is carrying our baby really important?" and "Which was the best part, pregnancy or the baby ??"  And everyone i asked this question to told me only one thing... The best part is after the baby arrives.. !!

And now i can't wait ... Just wanna hold my baby asap !!!!

A pool of all kinds of emotions..

After every miscarriage and before every new pregnancy was the worst time of my life.. It was full of the feeling of loss and failure..  I felt like i am never going to get the happiness of being a mother.. and being pregnant! And with every pregnancy news coming up either on Facebook or somewhere else.. i was getting more depressed and lost.. Jealousy was so much that i used to avoid some of these ladies.. Crying was something i did very frequently.. I had no idea how much time its gonna take for me to be a mom... Had no idea if i will be able to carry a pregnancy full term.. i was so clueless.. In short, i was miserable... I needed help..

Then there was also a time when i tried hard to pick myself up.. gave myself some motivation and tried to find new interests..Doing all this somehow made me strong.. slowly slowly i stopped crying so much... i started enjoying with Pratik..

But then, this new phase started coming up.. The "Hate" phase.. I started to hate kids, started to hate new parents who always talked about their kids.. started to hate friends who brought their kids along with them to our outings.. and a new thought process started.. may be i am better off without having a kid..

But only now i realize that the hating phase was just another form of depression.. Although i was not crying.. but i was still constantly thinking about kids..

I never really.. completely ditched the idea of babies and kids.. it was always there in my thoughts in some form or the other...

These three years were a mixed bag of emotions for me.. and the biggest struggle i have ever gone through.. till now.

After the sixth miscarriage, when the idea of surrogacy was certain in my mind.. i found another new emotion.. i don't know how to really explain it, its like.. you know that you are going to get what you really wanted since a long time, but you are not completely satisfied with it. I was happy, really happy.. but i was sad too.. for not carrying the pregnancy myself..

I really really wanted to experience pregnancy at least once in my life... just once ! It was my dream to carry that bump..and have baby shower and all.. But, i had to go for surrogacy.. It was a choice i had to make coz i couldn't let my body suffer anymore.. and I didn't want any more pain and bleeding...

Ohh!! that awful bleeding phase of the miscarriage.. It crushes you completely.. It is as horrible as experiencing a loss of your living child.. No one should ever experience this pain.. why to give a child in the first place when god just wanted to take it back!!?? I don't get it !

Fear, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Anxiety, Hatred, Jealousy, Helplessness... and many more of such negative feelings is what i felt in these 3 years.. But in the end, these feelings made me strong and made me appreciate what i have now.. I slowly learned not to give importance to these feelings.. coz feelings are temporary.. trust me.. its true !

May be i am saying all this right now because now i know i finally have someone.. my angle baby .. who is coming very soon this winter..

Who knows, if i was still struggling i might have been more depressed than i ever was... who knows !!

But right now.. I am so happy !!!!!! Finally... I am happy !!

The other 5 pregnancies...

After my first miscarriage, i was heart broken and depressed.. Had to attend a few baby showers.. which was the most difficult thing to do after the incident... I became fragile.. I was crying easily.. always had a sad face and lost interest in most of my daily activities...

A trip to Goa gave me some hope.. i thought, lets enjoy this last trip before i get pregnant again... Who knew back then, that this wasn't my last trip..

Got pregnant again after 3 months... I remember, my sisters were home the next day i got a positive test.. Had to pretend like i was absolutely normal while going through constant cramps.. Few days after they left, i miscarried... I was so disappointed... But then decided its time to go to a fertility specialist, as i sensed that something is definitely wrong with me...

My new doctor gave me a number of blood tests to do and found out few problems in me, which as per her, were easily solvable.. We tried again.. for the third time.. and got pregnant easily.. Only to miscarry just as easily.. I was shattered...!!! The third time?? Really???

This was totally unexpected and this was the time when i went into severe depression.. I might have done a few wrong things during this time.. Also had thoughts of hurting myself.. This was a dark phase of my life.. And i felt like i will never come out of this...

But somehow slowly i did.. But then another thing happened, i started thinking negative all the time... which for the first time resulted in no immediate pregnancies.. It was shocking for me that i didn't conceive on the first try... Which led us to the most wrong decision we ever took... IVF !!

IVF is a very difficult and a stressful procedure.. but somehow even after taking 100 injections i stayed hopeful and positive.. and thus.. i conceived.. Initially everything was going fine but as soon as i approached my 6th week, something went wrong and i miscarried...again ! I remember crying for the first time in front of the doctor..

Took a break, consulted every possible astrologer i know.. who told me 2017 is going to be my year.. and got hopeful again...

Even though i was hopeful this time, i didn't conceive immediately.. thus making us come to another wrong decision, FET!! This 5th pregnancy was absolutely wrong time.. with a death in the house and every possible relative around, it was hard for me to rest, thus resulting in a spontaneous miscarriage.. I was heartbroken but i was not depressed. With all these 5 miscarriages i had slowly developed the ability to be emotionally strong. I completely dropped the idea of getting pregnant... specially after developing a weird auto-immune disorder.

6th pregnancy was a complete surprise.. For the first time i had an unplanned pregnancy.. I thought, may be this was god's plan all along, specially after seeing a heartbeat.. which i only saw in 1st pregnancy till now.. But, i was wrong again... this was the pregnancy where i was the most miserable, in a lot of pain and distress and i just wanted to give up.. Ultimately, that did happen, god gave up this pregnancy for me.

Now i understood, pregnancy is actually not meant for me.. I am emotionally ready, but my body is still not ready.. I took this 6th pregnancy as my wakeup call.. realized that i am better off without it.. My body is not programmed for it to happen... I accepted this fact and took this whole experience as a "part and parcel of life"..!!

That's when i gave surrogacy a thought.. Surrogacy is always the last resort.. Nobody really wants it to happen.. Its only for those who don't have a choice.. For people like me.. whose bodies are not meant to carry a baby..

Initially, i used to have this thought that, i am not a complete women.. Women are supposed to get pregnant, and i felt like a failure 'coz i couldn't do it.. But now i have accepted my situation.. I feel absolutely okay..  I don't feel like a failure.. and thanks to my mother and my best friend who are proud of me for doing this.. I feel more like a woman... !!

The day it all started... My first pregnancy..

I wrote about the day i found out i was pregnant on my phone.. and titled it as "the best day of my life".. So unaware of what was gonna happen in future...

Here it is..

"Woke up at 5 in the morning... It was 15th august..2015 Independence day !!

Was concerned about my periods being 2 days late... On my will... I took a pregnancy test !!

All that was going through my mind while doing the test was... It will be negative... For sure...

And there I was... With the test strip in my hand waiting for the result...

At first it showed negative.. And I was like.. I knew it... Then slowly it started to turn positive...

I literally rubbed my eyes twice and took another look at the test strip... It was still showing positive ...!!

Couldn't control myself.. Took out my phone and called up Pratik...( he was out for marathon ) ...and there I was crying on the phone and telling would-be papa the big news...  As per Pratik.. He was in shock... 😝 but then he congratulated me !!

Later when he returned home .. We hugged and congratulated each other.. I had kept a rasgulla for him ... (Mooh meetha karne k liye)

Then we decided to tell mom.. So that she could guide us on what to do next.

On a small piece of paper I wrote.. Congrats Dadi and handed it over to her... She got surprised and was very happy.

Later she suggested to go to Meena Wakawala for further checkups..

By 11am we were at the doctor.. Waited for 2 hours for our turn and then doc checked me up .. And showed me my first ultrasound... I saw the first glimpse of my lil bundle of joy..  Felt so good. Doc also invited Pratik inside to see it.

Later I got all the advice from doc as to what to eat..how to sit and sleep... I was very satisfied with the whole first pregnancy doc visit experience.

As we were heading towards home from the clinic.. Me n Pratik decided to tell the family with a small video presentation...

But before that... It was time to tell Rashi bua... I took another chit and wrote.. Congrats hone Wali bua... And as she read it.. She was like.. "Really!!??!!" And jumped with joy and hugged me.

Later I got to work to make a video for Jaju side and Bhandari side family..

At around 5 in the evening.. Got the whole family together and told them that we were going to show a video presentation...

As the video progresses to the clip of a baby pic with coming soon written on it.. Everyone jumped with joy.. They all were so so happy... And super surprised. It was the best sight to see everyone happy together. Later me n Pratik sat down to cut the cake made my Rashi.

Video.mp4
5.3 MB

Later it was time to tell the news too mummy papa piyu n aishu... I sent the same video ( Bhandari version) on whatsapp to all four of them...

Aishu was super surprised.. She couldn't believe herself.. Piyu was toh waiting for the news .. Papa also almost guessed the news and mummy toh started crying with joy.

Video.mp4
4.2 MB

It was so nice to see everyone's reaction .

It was a perfect day !! And the best day of my life !!! Being a mom is the greatest gift !!"

I still remember this day.. I so wish this should have gone full term... Coz i was unaware of things that could go wrong.. and i was the most positive person that time.. But things had to end badly.. And this is what i wrote when i miscarried...

"Life without my baby...
11 sept.. The worst day of my life.. Got to know that my baby had stopped developing and that I had to abort it. Even though doc said that there is no hope I somehow felt that this cannot happen .. Most shocking was.. Even though I had concieved twins.. None of them developed... How can god be so cruel... I had two.. And he didn't even let one of them survive..

It's been 5 days since that day.. And I still feel the loss.. As Pratik said... It's a memory that will never fade...

I miss being pregnant.. I miss my baby.. I miss the feeling of something being inside me.. Now.. I am empty.. I feel so alone sometimes..

Before.. Even though I was alone..I had my baby to talk to.. Now.. It's just empty..

Miscarriage is difficult.. And I pray that no mother should go through it..

It's like.. One day I am feeling like a mom.. And other day.. It's gone.

I felt so responsible in that one month.. And now.. I don't feel like even taking care of myself.

A baby even though not born changes the way u think.. U live.. U start being more careful.. More sincere.. More responsible.. 

Every thought that comes to your mind is related about the baby.. It's a feeling ..it's excitement.. And it's there with u all the time..

And now.. It's gone.

I know its not the end of life.. Life will give me another chance..

But I am so desperate to have that chance.. I loved being pregnant.. Loved being a mom. I Loved my tiny baby... And I miss her a lot.. !"

Well, life did give me another chance.. in fact, 5 more chances.. But they all failed.. !!

Welcome to my blog...

Hey guys,

I should have started writing this blog years ago, because honestly, i have been waiting for my baby since i was a child. The only thing i didn't know when i was little, is that, the road to motherhood is not so easy...

Like any other girl, i used to think, "Once i get married, i will start planning for my baby in a year.. and soon i will be a mom!"

But no one really told me how difficult infertility can be.. It is a mix of physical and mental pain that you can't share with anyone... Basically, this sums up 3 years of my life.. from 2015-2018 !!

The reason i didn't start my blog earlier, because i didn't know what my story will be.. Is it worth writing down or not..?

After every miscarriage, i used to say to myself, "May be the next pregnancy will be full-term".. Hoping for a happy ending... And searching for a perfect end to my struggle..  But that end didn't come early..

And now that i feel that may be my story has a climax... I thought, now is the perfect time to start a blog..and write down my journey.

This blog is not intended to go public. Its extremely personal and may be one day i will share it with my baby...

So here it begins...
My Journey To Baby Jaju !!