Feelings of a mom-to-be who is not pregnant !!

I wrote about all my emotions when I was going through all those miscarriages... but what I am feeling right now... is also as difficult as it was before.  

Yes....We are half way there and my baby is safe and healthy. But I do worry about how my surrogate must be right now... with my son or daughter in her belly. It’s not easy to trust on someone and give them your most precious thing away for 9 months. 

I do think about things like... is my surrogate eating right?? Is she resting enough ? Is she in the right environment ?? Is her family keeping her stress free ?? Is she enjoying this pregnancy and getting attached to my baby or is she looking at this just as a job.. or may be a good deed ???! 

I do trust the doctors and even though I know that my surrogate is well experienced in the pregnancy department .. I have trust issues with her. I don’t know.... it’s just a feeling. 

But I’m trying to be patient. Every time I see her... I wish...if there was a way to transfer my baby into my belly right now, I would have done it. It’s my baby... it should be with me. 

I know I haven’t even seen the face of my baby yet... but I am already very possessive about him/her. 

My baby is mine. Only mine. 

I knew that these 9 months will be the hardest for me when I agreed for surrogacy. And yes they surely are. 

Lemme tell you my dearest baby.... 

Mummy is getting very desperate to meet you now. Still 4 more months to go... but now that u are getting big and kicking the surrogate and listening to her, mummy is jealous!!! Promise me my love.. That u are going to be close to me and make up for those 9 months by showing me all the cuteness that u have with ur smiles and yawns and laughs and cozy sleeping pose in my arms!!!  And I promise you that I will love u so so so much... like I have never loved anyone before. 

We are half way there... 20 weeks !!

24 July 2018

Today was supposed to be our 4D scan.. and i was very excited for it..😃 I woke up early with the excitement of seeing my baby's tiny face on the screen today...

But...!!! All that excitement became worthless, after we reached the hospital..  That boring male doctor came at around 8:30am but my surrogate didn't come..

She forgot that today was the scan day and so.. she came late... 😕
Since we were late, that male doctor canceled our 4D scan.. and instead did the normal 2D anatomy scan.. 😠😠

Anyway, the scan went well, and the doctor checked every organ of my little munchkin.. Its brain, heart, spinal cord, umbellical cord... everything...!! Checkout my genius baby's brain...

It was fun to see baby's beautiful 4-chambered heart beating.. its bones in the spinal cord.. and that beautiful brain.. Also saw its tiny feet and cute bums... in full screen !!! 😍

But yaar... i wish i could have seen my baby's beautiful face in 4D...  But now, that's gonna happen next month..

After the scan, i asked the surrogate what she was listening to since now the baby can hear and respond.. She showed me a list of bhajans she has been listening to... which is great.. !! I told her i will get more audio files for her like, the gayatri mantra and garbh sanskar.. the next time i meet her..
The surrogate also told me that she is not able to sleep at night as the baby is most active that time...
 (Oh future sleepless nights..i know you are waiting for me 😜) and that she sleeps almost the entire day now.. she looked dull.. but she assured me that everything is absolutely okay..

This last week was a tiny bit sad for me.. baby kicks are usually felt by this week and the same is happening for my surrogate.. I realllyyy realllyyy want to feel it too.. I cried a tiny bit in front of pratik.. but then he cheered me up by saying, "Don't worry.. you don't leave the baby once he/she comes to you.. okay??"

Today, i also tried to feel my surrogate's belly, but i didn't feel anything.. 😟

Anyway.. today was a good day.. but i was seriously wishing to either feel the baby or see a glimpse of that beautiful face that i am gonna stare and kiss.. very soon !!!

18 weeks only !!

10 July 2018

Like every past ultrasound, i was expecting my baby to show a 2 week ahead growth.. But looks like this time the growth has slowed down a tiny bit.. Last scan was 2 weeks ago and the measurements showed 17 weeks.. and today, two weeks later, measurements show 18 weeks ! Its not a bad news, its great that the baby is still ahead.. and my doctor is very happy with the scan..  But I guess i was expecting the baby to blow my mind or something 😉🙈

The baby didn't show too many movements this time.. I guess it must be sleeping or something! 😌

In the last scan, i had a feeling that its a boy... and frankly, even in this scan i think its a boy.. 

My doctor was making sure i don't get a clear picture if its a boy or not.. So i am not really sure.. But i still feel i saw something between the legs.. 

Anyway, it doesn't matter to me now.. In the last scan i was a bit disappointed.. but this time i am happy.. I don't mind if its a boy.. Infact, he will be the love of my life !!💗

Anyway, this scan was really exciting for one reason, my doctor told me that there is a high chance this baby will arrive in November.. And that too by 24th Nov. !! It will be so cool if this happens.. 24th is our wedding anniversary as well as my doctor's birthday.. If my baby arrives on this day it will be the best gift for us as well as for our doctor !! No other day will be as perfect as this one..!! 

Also, regarding my surrogate's health.. well she is absolutely perfect.. some nausea here and there.. n that's it ! I also got to know that she gets a call everyday from the assistant doctors and nurses asking her about her health.. which is amazing to know. I am glad that there is such a great team of doctors working hard to make our dream come true.. 

She told me that the baby moves a lot at night and does not let her sleep... Now i am sure the baby is like me since i am the night owl between Pratik and me 😜

All in all.. today was a great day.. and now, i am waiting for the next scan, which is going to be 4D !! Yayy!! But the scan will be done by that boring male doctor! 😕😕