37 weeks... Baby boy is here !!!

20th Nov. 2018

After the last scan, it looked like 24th was the day when my baby is supposed to be born.. but few days ago, i got a call from the hospital saying that my surrogate is having pains and is unable to bear it..  The doctor said, there is a chance that the baby will arrive on 20th... Do u want to go ahead with this date...

As soon as she asked me this... i said," i have no issues as long as you think that the baby and the surrogate will be fine.."

And there, it was decided that the baby will arrive on 20th Nov..

2 Days before "The Day", i started washing all baby clothes, bought all last minute items and made the hospital bag ready !! I didnt expect the delivery to happen so early so i wasn't really prepared.. but then i managed it..

Day before "The Day", my parents arrived to Surat.. I really wanted my mother in law to be there for the delivery too, but she was on her way to Mumbai from Canada.

Finally the day arrived.... !!! After having a nice breakfast, we all got ready to go to the hospital at around 11am.. Doctor had given 12pm as the time of delivery..

After we reached, and completed a few formalities, we met the surrogate.. She told me that her water broke last night and that she was having contractions.. In a way i was glad to know that we didnt hurry and that we are doing the delivery at the right time.. The baby is ready to come out !

After meeting her I got changed into the hospital clothes to go inside the operation theater and witness the delivery.. My doctor asked me if i wanted a girl or boy .. and even though i knew that its a boy, i acted like.. it doesn't matter !!! I am happy with either!

Inside the delivery room, when i saw the whole preparation happening, to be frank, i got a bit scared.. Be it C-section or natural delivery, how do women go through all this !! My god.. it looks scary !

The surrogate was in pain and started crying a bit.. I tried to calm her down.. After few mins she got relaxed and i wished her all the best and stood right behind her.. Pratik joined me in the operation theater a few mins after..

Then the doctors started the C-section... OMG !!!! The way there were doing the whole procedure... It was scary and interesting at the same time... I had my fingers crossed and was hoping everything to go smoothly.. After a few mins, we saw the doctor pulling up baby's head, then its upper body.. and finally we saw his legs... and that first baby cry !!!!!!!!!

Omg!!! i started crying in that moment.. witnessing your child's birth is a sight no one will ever forget.. i literally saw my baby being born in this world !! It was the most magical experience ever !!

When the doctors were checking the baby, me n pratik went close to him and we both said the same thing together.. "He is sooo cutteeeee" !! Omg.. we just fell in love with him...

After he was cleaned and wrapped, it was time for nana nani and masi to meet him.. We got the baby out and clicked our very first pictures with him.. Nana toh had tears in his eyes and masi and nani were in aww of the baby!

As the news spread, i got so many calls from all the family members... omg !! it was over whelming..!

I thanked the doctor.. and the doctor asked me if i was happy that its a boy.. I told her that i already knew that its a boy since week 22.

Later, i gave a letter thanking my surrogate to my surrogate's husband... I will forever be thankful to her for giving me the most precious gift of my life..

Later, the baby got checked and the doctor confirmed that everything looks fine and there is no need of an NICU stay... I was really happy to to know this.. Its always good to know that the baby will be with you from the moment he is born..

After that, we transferred the baby to the new hospital in a beautiful suite room !  Me and nani made all the room arrangements for the baby... The nurse came in with our dear baby and explained me how to feed him and what medicines to give. It was a great first day experience with my baby boy .. And the best day of my life..

Will never forget this day !! ❤️❤️

Yuven Jaju!! Born on 20th November 2018 at 12:22pm weighing 2.9kgs and 19" tall!

35 weeks !! 9th Month is here !!

08 Oct. 2018

Finally the final month is here... 9th month !!!

Thanx to Diwali preps, the last 15 days went by easily.. and now we have approx 15 more days to go!

Today's scan was just as expected.. good weight gain of the baby, perfect amniotic fluid... and beautiful heart beat !!

Baby's weight is 2.6kgs now which is almost over 5Lbs.. so basically just one more pound to go !

Doctor was very happy and today we got to know the exact due date.. and guess what!! The baby is ready to come on our anniversary !!! yayy 😍😍

We also got some information regarding stem cell banking and we have decided to do that for our baby..

The surrogate was feeling absolutely fine which is a great thing to know.. She looked really comfortable and didn't look like she was in her 9th month now..

In coming days, we are planning to finish all final shopping for our dear angel.. We just want to be all prepared for the arrival of our bud!

This feeling is so amazing... shopping for the baby.. counting down days.. imagining how it will be when i see my baby for the first time.. Will we be able to bond or not..?? What will i do when he is finally here.. how will i take care.. omg !! So many things going on in my mind.. But i am really really excited ! Can't wait to hold him and tell the whole world.. This angel is mine !!! 💗

One more thing i would like to share.. since many people still don't know that we have done surrogacy and think that its me who is pregnant.. its getting weird to talk to them.. People ask me things like.. You must be chubby na... hows your health.. Are you ready for the final day..??

I try to be as genuine as possible with my answers.. and so, i always mention the baby's health rather than mine..

Its not like i am ashamed of my decision and that's y i am hiding about surrogacy.. but i think i just don't wanna involve more n more people in my personal life.. They didn't know about my miscarriages and so they shouldn't know about this too.. Plus.. I think its better to talk face to face about this than on text or phone..

Anyway, whatever it is.. i know many people are excited for the baby and i just keep getting messages from everyone that, "We can't wait to meet the baby!"

33 weeks update !!

23rd Oct. 2018

As we are approaching towards the last month of our surrogacy, there is really nothing much to update.. The bump is expanding.. surrogate's health is top notch.. and my dear baby is growing in a steady pace..  We are 8.5 months into our pregnancy now.. and i can't explain how happy i am to be at this stage..

As usual we had our ultrasound today. And the baby now weighs around 2.3kgs.

Me n Pratik still go to the ultrasounds every 15 days, even though the scan now happens every week.

Doctor says there is no need for us to come to the hospital every week.. and i do agree.. Since i only get like 5 mins to meet the surrogate.. so it hardly makes a difference. But i do get regular updates from the assistant doctors. 

Today at the scan i felt very calm and satisfied. Things have been going great and i just feel at peace. Its hard to believe, but you kinda do acknowledge this kind of feeling after years of tears and sadness.

All i can say is that, i am loving it ! And as the days pass by i am getting more and more excited.. !!!

Less than 5 weeks to go.. darling baby !!! 💖

31 weeks !!! Update !!

10th Oct. 2018

After almost 3 weeks we went for the ultrasound. We had been to Pondicherry for a small relaxing vacation and came back excited to see our angel after so many days. 

This time our appointment was at the old hospital where the surrogate was admitted. It was little weird being there as we were used to the new hospital and it’s staff. 

Anyway, when my surrogate came downstairs for the ultrasound I could see that hugggee bump !! Omg !! It’s almost like there is a football inside 😁

As the ultrasound was happening I realised it’s more difficult to distinguish baby’s parts, now that he is getting big. So it was hard to get a proper picture. 

As you can see above, it’s hard to know what part this is 🙈

Anyway, I was happy to know that now my baby weights around 1.9kgs. Although the weight is a bit much for a 31 week baby, my doctor assured that everything is normal. Also my surrogate’s sugar is in control. 

One exciting thing my doctor told me is that, seeing the growth of the baby, there might be a possibility that baby could arrive as early as 20 November.. but she will try that the baby stays inside for a little more time. Doctor told me to be prepared for the arrival between 20-30 November !!! Wowww !! I am so excited !! 

So by the new due dates, I have less than 50 days to go !! Yayyy 😃😃

Can’t wait!! 💖

Best Baby Shower Surprise Ever !!

8th Oct. 2018

As i came out of my morning shower, I saw Pratik standing with a bouquet of roses in his hand outside my bathroom.. And the only question in my mind was... "Pratik got me flowers!!??"
Later, he told me that they are from my elder sister.. I got really surprised and called her up and asked .."What is this!?"

She told me that she has planned some surprises for me which i will get one by one today..

I got realllyy excited... and was thinking what has she really planned.??  Later i got to know that not just my elder sister, but my parents as well as my younger sis is involved in this surprise.. n that made me more curious as to whats gonna happen next..

After a few hours came another surprise... My door bell rang n there i saw a guy from swiggy with a box of mini cupcakes...  He handed them to me n told me that they are from priyanka.. 

Ohh.. so second one is a sweet surprise.. i like where this is going...

But what was more surprising was.. when i called up my sis she told me not to eat them and wait till the next surprise.. that made me more curious and excited...

It was lunch time and i had to go upstairs to have lunch.. but there i was.. waiting for my next surprise to arrive.. i waited till 2.. but then had to go up to have lunch... After i came down.. few mins later my door bell rang.. n there was this courier guy holding a hugeee box.. 😮😮

Omg !! Omg !! what is this !!!
As i opened the box i saw a few things inside and a note outside the box..  I immediately told preksha bhabhi to record my reaction video so that i can send it to my sisters n parents..

There were chocolates, a dress for me, wallet for pratik, a bag, a baby book, baby clothes kit, mom to be goodies and some lovely greeting cards... with cute messages on each of them..

I was sooo sooo happy with this surprise.. I just can't express in words.. It was wayy beyond my expectations.. As i said in my last post.. It was clear in my mind that i should not have a baby shower.. But this.. wow !! This just tells how much my family loves me and i am so overwhelmed by such a sweet gesture.. All 4 of you are my life.. and our love is so unconditional.. 

You guys made my day... and its been long since i have felt so special... 

Just.. a huge hug !!! and a big big thanx !

Diabetes, Baby's Weight and Baby Shower updates!!!

In my last post, i mentioned that my baby didn't gain any weight in 2 weeks and i was really worried about it.. Turns out, it wasn't a big deal. Infact it was good that my baby didn't gain much weight.. Thats coz, my surrogate is diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

What this means, is that, some women develop high sugar levels only during pregnancy and mostly during 3rd trimester. And after the delivery their sugar levels come back to normal. High sugar levels only affect the baby if the levels are too high and uncontrolled. This results in big and heavy baby.. and due to rapid weight gain the baby is usually delivered early (before 38 weeks) which is not good.. Baby's most organs are well developed by 38-39 weeks.. so, delivery before that means, baby will have to stay in NICU for few days or weeks and will have some jaundice after birth. Though jaundice is very common and easily treatable.. i feel its better if we can avoid it by delivering the baby after 38 weeks.

So, basically, now we have to take care that the baby does gain weight, but in a steady pace. If  the sugar level gets too high, it will affect the baby in a way that, even if he is all fine after delivery, he will get diabetes in future.

2 days ago, i got to know that my doctor has started insulin shots for my surrogate. I got a bit worried for a minute.. but then i thought.. may be this is just a safety measure. And when i talked to my doctor, she said the same. Its a safety measure and don't worry, the insulin won't get inside the baby, as it never crosses the placenta.

Sigh !! I think there is nothing to worry now !!😊


23rd Sept. 2018

Since we are in our 7th month now, its time for baby shower..!
Well, not my baby shower, my surrogate's shower !
I got some fruits, dry fruits, flowers, a kurti for my surrogate.. I called her up and invited her to the hospital at around 3pm.. It was visarjan day, so we knew she would be busy in the morning for the pooja.

Anyway, we reached the hospital at 3pm.. went inside and i saw my surrogate dressed in a beautiful sari.. Perfectly dressed for godh bharai. We went inside the room where she will be admitted the day after .. I took some kumkum, applied tilak to her, gave her the fruits and all... in her pallu.. and showered some flower petals and rice grains on her.

To tell you the truth, i felt a little weird while doing all this.. Me performing the rituals of baby shower.. on my surrogate who is carrying my baby..!!  I did feel like something was taken away from me.. But anyway, my surrogate is really sweet. As soon as her's was done.. she told me.. now i will do ur godh bharai...

She made me sit down, applied kumkum and showered flower and rice grains on me.. and did that hands gesture where u take the varna and break ur hand's knuckles around ur head (i don't know what it is really called) 🙈

That was a really sweet gesture..

I didn't feel any craving for my baby shower as it was very clear in my mind.. im not pregnant, so i am not supposed to have a baby shower. But only when i was performing the rituals on her is when i felt really weird.. But anyway, it was very considerate of my surrogate to do a mini baby shower for me.. I am very thankful for having her.

Today, she will be admitted to the hospital, and i am sure the hospital staff will take good care of her and my baby.. Just less than 80 days to go.. !!!

28 weeks.. Welcome Third Trimester...

18th Sept. 2018

10am.. Went to the hospital for our regular checkup.. Since the last scan was very good and baby was showing 2 week ahead growth.... As usual i was excited to see my baby surprise me with amazing growth and weight this week too..

Today was one of those days when we had to wait the longest for our appointment.. meanwhile me n my surrogate were chatting about her health which is great btw.. and then again i tried to touch her belly and again.. felt nothing.. Today i got really really disappointed.. what the hell !! I just wanna feel my baby once... why is he not responding when i touch..

I guess my feelings were pretty evident on my face.. so my surrogate took me inside a waiting room and lifted her kurta while lying down on the bed and told me to carefully look at her belly.. She then tapped her belly a few times.. and there.. i saw it.. i saw the kick !!! Yay.. finally.. i got something !😃

Later, we went in for our ultrasound and i was expecting a weight of atleast 1.5kgs.. since last time it was 1.2kgs.. The doctor went through all measurements.. checked the heartbeat...

And then she said.. 1.25kgs hai.. ! I was shocked.. no weight gain in 2 weeks..??😱 I got super super worried.. 😨

Later.... when we had a chat with the doctor, she said.. Don't worry.. this is absolutely normal.. in last appointment the baby showed more than expected growth.. so it is absolutely normal for the weight gain to slow down as long as all the measurements are increasing and there is a healthy heartbeat and baby movement.  

Well, she was right, i checked the measurements from the last appointment and the baby does show a growth in size..  I took a sigh of relief.. !! (Typical mummy wala tension chalu ho gaya hai😆)

Later we talked about my surrogate's admission to the hospital. She will be spending her last trimester in the hospital until delivery time.. This is done to avoid any emergencies and to take good care of the surrogate and my baby until delivery time. My doctor also told me that once the baby is delivered, i will have to stay in the hospital with the baby for a week or so.. 

I was like... Great !!! I am ready to stay anywhere with my baby...  Plus this way i will also get the hospital feel as if i have delivered my baby 😁!!! Hehe..

26 or 27 weeks !!??... Looks like a "motu" baby :P

4th September 2018..

7 a.m... i woke up suddenly coz of a dream..
Since last few months i have been seeing vivid dreams regarding my baby and surrogacy..
but since last few weeks its about just one thing... Me not being pregnant... !

7-8 friends of mine are pregnant right now.. with almost the same due date as mine.. I have seen their pictures showing off their beautiful belly.. In my today's dream i saw all those ladies talking to each other about their pregnancies.. and looking at each other's bellies.. and when they came to me... all of them said.." Oh..you don't have a pregnant belly like us".. that too in a mean way ..😂
crazy dreams !!!

I know none of my friends are going to say that to me ever... but these dreams are so dramatic.. 😆

But then it hit me.. somewhere within me i feel incomplete.. and sad for myself.. i still feel like a failure.. even though i know.. and pratik has told me that i am not..  Taking the decision of surrogacy does not make me a failure... as per pratik and my parents.

But..i dont know why... i still feel like i am incomplete..😟

Anyway..
10 a.m.... we went for our appointment..  And yes.. again saw that beautiful belly of my surrogate😔

As the doctor was doing the scan.. i immediately noticed that the baby looks bigger.. earlier, i could easily see his body on the screen.. but now i just cant make out what part is what.. everything looks so big and does not fit in the screen anymore.. As i was looking.. doctor said.. Baby weighs 1.2kg !!!!! 😲😲😲 She said.. motu baby hai 😁

I was shocked and happy at the same time.. i was expecting a weight of around 800 grams... but oh my sweet baby.. looks like u r going to come out very very chubby 💗💗

Since the weight and height of baby is bigger now... the baby measures a little over 27 weeks !!! wow.. we were supposed to be 26 !

Woww.. i am so happy with the growth..  Can't wait to hold my chubby baby...
Less than 99 days to go... !!!😀

24 weeks and its time for 4D!!!!

21 August 2018

Its 2pm... and today is 4D ultrasound day !! I have to leave by 3pm.. so basically... one hour to go.. and i am feeling so excited and nervous at the same time! Today is the day when me and pratik are going to see the first glimpse of the face of our darling baby.. the face that me and pratik are going to lovingly stare at after 3 months.... the face that we are going to kiss.. the face that we are going to analyze up and down to see who the baby exactly looks like..!! Infact, if we get a chance to see his features properly today.. we might start analyzing from today. 😁 Oh baby!!.... can't wait !!!

3pm... I reach at the 4d sonography clinic.. eagerly waiting for my surrogate to arrive.. After sometime as soon as the surrogate came, i noticed her even more large belly.. wow.. i wish i had that belly !! As we were waiting for the technician to take us in, me and the surrogate had a chat about her health.. and she told me that the baby moves a lot now.. But as usual, today when i tried to feel the baby, i couldn't.. 😒 .. "Beta, why don't you respond when mumma tries to feel u ???"

Anyway, after a while we went inside for our scan.. it was a 20-25 minute long scan... and yes i got a glimpse of my sweet baby's face.. But not that clearly.. as baby jaju was hiding his face with his hands during the entire scan..

We saw his entire body on 4D as well.. but now since the baby has grown in size, he does not fit in the ultrasound screen anymore.. hence we saw only parts of him.. For the first time we also saw his cute little feet...💓

Wow.. it was so much fun to see our baby in 4D.. but ya this wont be the final appearance of him once he arrives.. he will be a lot chubbier by then.. although his nose looks somewhat like me in this scan.. so i think the baby will look just like me when he arrives. 😉

After the scan, we went to see our regular doctor to show her the scan reports and she said everything looks perfectly normal..

Regarding the surrogate, well, she got extremely excited while the scan was happening and told me that the baby definitely looks like me.. And when i was trying to feel the baby by touching her belly, she said to me.. don't worry if he is not kicking now.. just 3 more months to go and soon he is going to make u feel everything that u are missing out now..

I am grateful to have a surrogate who is so willing to give me a child and at the same time is excited for me. Can't thank her enough !!

Things that didn't work for me..

For any lady who is planning to start a family there are so many advises that are given by people to her so that she can conceive.. I was also a victim of this situation.. specially after people learned that i am having problems regarding pregnancy..

Some people thought i was delaying family planning and hence they would ask me every time.. "Beta, how long are you going to wait..? You should start planning now " or the normal desi style.. "good news kab degi??" Initially i got really frustrated with all those questions.. it started to affect me more since i was already affected by my existing situation.

Later, as i learned to cope with my problems.. i started to dodge the question.. or tried to bring sympathy for myself by answering.. "Aunty, i am sure you know how difficult it is with today's lifestyle to conceive.. how do i tell u, i'm getting so stressed..".. and as soon as i said this.. maximum aunties used to reply.. " Oh beta..i understand.. you please don't take any stress" 😉

This answer was usually followed by an advice.. something that i should do in order to get pregnant and have a baby..

Some of the suggestions that i got..and that absolutely did not work for me.. were..( no offence to anyone who believes in  all this )
1. Feed the fishes
2. Meet this famous astrologer
3. Mannat maango
4. Write "Ram" naam 56,304 times..
5. Recite some mantra for a specific number of times..
6. Do a rahu-ketu pooja
7. Go to rajasthan for kul devi's blessings...
8. At night, sleep in a east-west position
And many more....

I am not saying that you should not follow this.. Do all this only if you heart says so.. but nothing like this will help you to conceive or carry a pregnancy full term..

If everything is working well for you.. a visit to the temple to thank god is a great idea... But pleading to god to give you a baby doesn't work.

Another thing that didn't work for me.. and i am sure everyone will agree is.. "Stress"..
Yes.. the big S word that is the reason for major health issues in today's world.. I can't stress enough on how important it is to keep stress away in order to have a baby.

One more thing that didn't work for me was.. "Constant positive thinking"..
To accept the problems that are going on in your life is the best way to cope with it. Yes, its extremely hard to do.. but that definitely works. It was the moment when i accepted that surrogacy is the only way for me, i found success..!

Things that happen to us.. just happen to us.. there is nothing like.. "Why did this happen to only me? ".. You cannot control anything outside of you.. The only thing you can control is you.. How you react to situations and what you make out of it.. Remember, you are in charge of your own happiness and it can come to you even if you are absolutely alone !!

Things that do work in times like these are..
Patience, Accepting your issues and trying to solve them medically (sometimes second opinions from other doctors are also helpful), exercise, a well balanced diet and living in the present... that's it !

Sometimes if things get too bad for you and you feel depressed.. Seeing a counselor is a much logical way of dealing with the situation. I didn't go to a counselor ( Coz pratik had faith in me that I can fight this) but in my heart I knew I needed one..

I truly believe in the fact that we cannot control someone's birth or death.. the only thing that we can control is, what we do in situations like these. 

22 weeks.... and I am 98% sure its a......!!

7 August 2018

Today we start our 6th month of pregnancy... Can't believe how fast time is running... We are 22 weeks now !! Hurrayyy 😀

After we reached the hospital for our scan, and met our surrogate, I could spot that growing bump.. Even though she is a bit fat, her popped out belly definitely tells that she is pregnant !! As we were waiting for our scan, my doctor came out of the operation theater and shouted its a girl..!! She just came out of a C-section and handed over the new born baby girl to her family... everyone seemed so happy.. and me and Pratik were thinking, something like this will definitely happen with us too !!

Later, we went in for our scan... everything looked perfect.. my baby now weighs around 530 grams which is an amazing weight.. and measures 5 days ahead!! Yayy !! Grow baby grow!💓

As the doctor was moving the machine towards the baby's legs... there.. right there... i saw it!! It was very very clear and my intuitions seemed right... Its a boy !!👦

Well, i am still 98% sure its a boy.. i might be wrong.. but in my heart... i know.. its a boy !

Pratik was a tiny bit disappointed... Its not 'coz its a boy.. but this was our only shot of having a baby.. and a girl would have made things perfect..

But anyway, as i had the idea since a long time, i am absolutely prepared for a boy.
In a way, its good that we got to know now.. coz now we will have ample time to be prepared for our son and we will be awaiting his arrival..

Regarding the surrogate.. she is doing great.. today i gave her some "Garbh sanskar" audio files..
I also tried to touch her belly and talk to the baby.. but looks like he sleeps during the appointments.. and so i couldn't feel any movements.. 😒

And regarding me.. well.. i follow these mom-to-be forums and i see other ladies posting their beautiful belly pics.. and that makes me soooo jealous !!!!

I know that I can't have a belly, and so the least i can do is read about how to take care of my baby after it is born..  And that's what i have started to do now..
I am absolutely loving it and enjoying this "preparation phase" now...!! I know its early to do all this.... but reading about all this.. makes me feel so happy...!! 😃

I wanna be prepared for you my son..!! I wanna be capable enough to take care of you in the best way possible !!!!

Feelings of a mom-to-be who is not pregnant !!

I wrote about all my emotions when I was going through all those miscarriages... but what I am feeling right now... is also as difficult as it was before.  

Yes....We are half way there and my baby is safe and healthy. But I do worry about how my surrogate must be right now... with my son or daughter in her belly. It’s not easy to trust on someone and give them your most precious thing away for 9 months. 

I do think about things like... is my surrogate eating right?? Is she resting enough ? Is she in the right environment ?? Is her family keeping her stress free ?? Is she enjoying this pregnancy and getting attached to my baby or is she looking at this just as a job.. or may be a good deed ???! 

I do trust the doctors and even though I know that my surrogate is well experienced in the pregnancy department .. I have trust issues with her. I don’t know.... it’s just a feeling. 

But I’m trying to be patient. Every time I see her... I wish...if there was a way to transfer my baby into my belly right now, I would have done it. It’s my baby... it should be with me. 

I know I haven’t even seen the face of my baby yet... but I am already very possessive about him/her. 

My baby is mine. Only mine. 

I knew that these 9 months will be the hardest for me when I agreed for surrogacy. And yes they surely are. 

Lemme tell you my dearest baby.... 

Mummy is getting very desperate to meet you now. Still 4 more months to go... but now that u are getting big and kicking the surrogate and listening to her, mummy is jealous!!! Promise me my love.. That u are going to be close to me and make up for those 9 months by showing me all the cuteness that u have with ur smiles and yawns and laughs and cozy sleeping pose in my arms!!!  And I promise you that I will love u so so so much... like I have never loved anyone before. 

We are half way there... 20 weeks !!

24 July 2018

Today was supposed to be our 4D scan.. and i was very excited for it..😃 I woke up early with the excitement of seeing my baby's tiny face on the screen today...

But...!!! All that excitement became worthless, after we reached the hospital..  That boring male doctor came at around 8:30am but my surrogate didn't come..

She forgot that today was the scan day and so.. she came late... 😕
Since we were late, that male doctor canceled our 4D scan.. and instead did the normal 2D anatomy scan.. 😠😠

Anyway, the scan went well, and the doctor checked every organ of my little munchkin.. Its brain, heart, spinal cord, umbellical cord... everything...!! Checkout my genius baby's brain...

It was fun to see baby's beautiful 4-chambered heart beating.. its bones in the spinal cord.. and that beautiful brain.. Also saw its tiny feet and cute bums... in full screen !!! 😍

But yaar... i wish i could have seen my baby's beautiful face in 4D...  But now, that's gonna happen next month..

After the scan, i asked the surrogate what she was listening to since now the baby can hear and respond.. She showed me a list of bhajans she has been listening to... which is great.. !! I told her i will get more audio files for her like, the gayatri mantra and garbh sanskar.. the next time i meet her..
The surrogate also told me that she is not able to sleep at night as the baby is most active that time...
 (Oh future sleepless nights..i know you are waiting for me 😜) and that she sleeps almost the entire day now.. she looked dull.. but she assured me that everything is absolutely okay..

This last week was a tiny bit sad for me.. baby kicks are usually felt by this week and the same is happening for my surrogate.. I realllyyy realllyyy want to feel it too.. I cried a tiny bit in front of pratik.. but then he cheered me up by saying, "Don't worry.. you don't leave the baby once he/she comes to you.. okay??"

Today, i also tried to feel my surrogate's belly, but i didn't feel anything.. 😟

Anyway.. today was a good day.. but i was seriously wishing to either feel the baby or see a glimpse of that beautiful face that i am gonna stare and kiss.. very soon !!!

18 weeks only !!

10 July 2018

Like every past ultrasound, i was expecting my baby to show a 2 week ahead growth.. But looks like this time the growth has slowed down a tiny bit.. Last scan was 2 weeks ago and the measurements showed 17 weeks.. and today, two weeks later, measurements show 18 weeks ! Its not a bad news, its great that the baby is still ahead.. and my doctor is very happy with the scan..  But I guess i was expecting the baby to blow my mind or something 😉🙈

The baby didn't show too many movements this time.. I guess it must be sleeping or something! 😌

In the last scan, i had a feeling that its a boy... and frankly, even in this scan i think its a boy.. 

My doctor was making sure i don't get a clear picture if its a boy or not.. So i am not really sure.. But i still feel i saw something between the legs.. 

Anyway, it doesn't matter to me now.. In the last scan i was a bit disappointed.. but this time i am happy.. I don't mind if its a boy.. Infact, he will be the love of my life !!💗

Anyway, this scan was really exciting for one reason, my doctor told me that there is a high chance this baby will arrive in November.. And that too by 24th Nov. !! It will be so cool if this happens.. 24th is our wedding anniversary as well as my doctor's birthday.. If my baby arrives on this day it will be the best gift for us as well as for our doctor !! No other day will be as perfect as this one..!! 

Also, regarding my surrogate's health.. well she is absolutely perfect.. some nausea here and there.. n that's it ! I also got to know that she gets a call everyday from the assistant doctors and nurses asking her about her health.. which is amazing to know. I am glad that there is such a great team of doctors working hard to make our dream come true.. 

She told me that the baby moves a lot at night and does not let her sleep... Now i am sure the baby is like me since i am the night owl between Pratik and me 😜

All in all.. today was a great day.. and now, i am waiting for the next scan, which is going to be 4D !! Yayy!! But the scan will be done by that boring male doctor! 😕😕

17 weeks.. I think its a boy !!

26th June 2018
It was supposed to be our 16th week scan... But oh my baby !! You surprise me ..!!
Baby is showing growth of 17 weeks !! Thus shifting our due date to 1st December ! Looks like my baby wants to come to me as early as possible.. and that why its growing so fast !💖

As the scan was happening, i noticed that the doctor moved the machine towards the baby's legs.. and for a fraction of a second i think i saw something between the legs..

To tell you the truth, i got a bit disappointed..😔 Girl has always been my first preference..
Always!!!
I don't mind if i have a boy.. But.. Girls are soo special..

No matter whoever comes, He/She is going to be the love of my life.. I will love my boy just as much i will love my girl..

But yaar.... "Girl ho toh maza aa jaaye!"

14 weeks.... We are in the safe zone !

12th June 2018... Its 14th week scan and we are finally in our second trimester !!! It was time to finally tell the news to our families...

The ultrasound on that day went really well.. I got a chance to see my little munchkin move its legs and dance... Awwww!!! My sweet angel ! 💖He/She looked beautiful...

The growth of the baby seemed perfect.. infact it was again measuring further!! Grow baby grow !

Got to know that the surrogate is craving sweets and is able to feel the baby move.. For a minute i felt a little sad coz i wasn't the one able to feel my baby's movements.. And one day i really wanna experience this feeling.. But thanx to my sweet surrogate, she explained me exactly how she feels.. and moved her fingers against my skin to make me understand the feeling.. I know its not exactly how a baby inside your belly would feel like.. but i had to be happy with what i got !

But..... I sooooo wanna feel my babyyyyyyy !!!!!😭

Dear baby,😘
Mumma had no other option. To keep you safe and bring you into mumma's arms she had to give u away to a surrogate for 9 months.. But trust me my baby.. everyday i wished of carrying you myself.. I really wanted u to grow inside me.. Its just that, I had no other option sweetheart.. I really love you and i want u soo bad.. Thats why i had to choose this path.. Its very difficult for mumma to stay away from you.. But i am doing this only so that we both can be together forever !! I love you so much my angel !!!!! Love you to the moon and back !💕

Anyway, after the ultrasound we had to wait till the evening for every family member to come home so that we can announce the big news...

At the right time i messaged each Jaju family member individually the same image that I sent Rashi di... After a while we told Badepapa and Anoop bhaiya and both of them were super happy.. Then we went upstairs to see everyone's reaction on the message I sent.. But to my surprise.. No one really checked their phones.. :(

So i had to tell them.. Plz check ur phones..📱

As soon as Amit bhaiya, Anubha bhabhi and Bhawna bhabhi saw it.. they were totally surprised.. and super happy ! Maa was confused as to what was happening and meanwhile Manish Bhaiya, Shailesh Bhaiya and Aarti Bhabhi messaged me Congratulations. As soon as i told Maa that we are having a baby she got really excited too and congratulated me and Pratik.. Manish bhaiya came to me and gave me shagun for the good news.. It was a great sight to see everyone happy and support our decision !

The same day I told about the news to Mummy, Papa and My sisters.. All of them were happy and extremely proud of me for taking such a difficult decision.. Papa said, "Beta, I always wanted you to not go through any more pain.. Its good that u took this decision and that too at the right time!"

It was an amazing feeling to finally share the news.. But i had to wait 2 more days for Abhi bhaiya to come to Surat so that i can tell him and bhabhi and mummyji papaji the news too..

15th June, I met Abhi bhaiya and bhabhi for dinner and told them that someone is gonna arrive in December... Both of them were in shock !! hehe.. ! After telling them i called up Mummyji Papaji and told them that they are gonna be Nani-Nana.. They were so so happy and they said the same thing.. that its good that we didn't wait and took the right decision !

Can't explain how satisfying it is to finally give your family the good news they have been waiting for since so long.. I am extremely greatful to my doctor and my surrogate for making our dream come true !

11 weeks or 12 ??

28th May 2018.. This was supposed to be our 11th week 3D ultrasound... But we were so so so surprised...

8a.m. We reached the hospital, as this was the time given to us by the 3D ultrasound technician... This guy, is known to be the most strict around the hospital, so basically, you can't speak when he is doing the scan, keep your foot ware out, no phones allowed and pin drop silence !!

This was the most boring ultrasound experience... we were made to stand far away from the screen so we couldn't see much.. plus we can't ask questions.. !! What the hell !!😡

Anyway.. i saw a huge difference in the growth of my bud.. He/She was supposed to be only 11 weeks, but instead, the measurements showed an amazing growth of 12 weeks !!

I was soooo happy... Not only my baby's growth is normal.. but its measuring a few days furthur !! Wow!!😍

The 3D ultrasound didn't went well and we couldn't see the baby properly.. But later the doctor assured that everything seems perfect !! Later, doctor took some blood from the surrogate for regular testing and even those reports were normal !!

On this day i also got to know that the surrogate is craving for maggi.. !! I jumped with joy.. And told Pratik about it.. and he said.."Mera baby hai.. Ofcouse maggi ki craving hogi.." And i was like, "Mera bhi baby hai !!"

After seeing everything going so well, It was time to announce the good news to Rashi.. I messaged her with this image..

She called me up as soon as she saw the message... On the phone call, Rashi was like.. " Bhabhiiiiiiiiii.. wowwwww I am gonna be a bua.. Yayyy !!!!" I was so happy to hear her excitement on the phone.. And then she said.. "I am gonna start shopping for my nephew/niece soon !! 

Hehe !!

Just 2 more weeks to go.. And soon we will announce to the family.. Can't wait to see their reactions.. 2 more weeks !!!!!!😁

9 weeks... My baby is a dancer!!!

14th May 2018..

After an amazing trip to Turkey.. It was time for the most exciting ultrasound.. The 9th week ultrasound !!!!!! The week when babies start their very first movements... !! We were so excited ! During the entire trip of Turkey, i used to count days and think everyday about how long my baby must have grown till now... I remember telling Pratik on week 8... "Today our baby is so tiny that it can fit easily inside our palm.."

Thanx to the trip.. we didn't realize how fast the days went by and the day of the ultrasound came...

This time Pratik made sure that he was inside with me.. As this week was also very crucial for us.. We had never been this far and had no idea how 9th week ultrasound looks like..

And what a delight it was....

We saw our baby dancing... 💃💃Moving its tiny hands and legs... Ohh my angel baby... I couldn't control myself and didn't even realize when tears came out.. My doctor said, "Everything looks great.. so why are you crying..?" And i couldn't say a word.. I was crying with joy.. Pure joy of seeing my love move for the first time.. My tiny happy dancer... muaaahhhh

I just fell in love !!!💗 And got more happy when i heard that amazing heart beat again.. but now at 185bpm.. !! Woaahhh.. !!

This was the best ultrasound ever !!

Ohh my little dancer baby... Can't wait to dance with you !

7 weeks.. The first glimpse of our baby !!

28th April, 2018... Time for the second scan.. and the most crucial scan.. I was a bit nervous as this was the week when things used to go wrong for me.. But as i said.. I was cautiously optimistic..

10a.m.. We reached the hospital.. met the surrogate.. and were patiently waiting for our turn..
The doctor called us in.. And only i was inside the ultrasound room.. don't know why Pratik didnt enter..

Fingers crossed.. Deep breath taken..

The doctor showed me the ultrasound screen... And this is what i saw..

My blueberry sized angel.. showing its first proper presence on the ultrasound !! As soon as i heard its beautiful beating heart at 146bpm... i got really excited.. !!! Yes.. we made it... We made it to healthy 7 weeks !!!😀

Me n Pratik both jumped with joy when doctor said everything looks fantastic !!  The doctor was really surprised to see us so excited and she said.. "but all this is normal".. And we said.. "We have not seen normal in years !!"

We were really happy.. But the struggle was not over yet... Still cautiously optimistic, we are waiting for the first trimester to get over !!

5 weeks.. The first ultrasound !!

On 17th of April 2018, doctor did the first ultrasound.. I wasn't in surat that time but Pratik reached to the hospital literally running as he had just reached surat from a trip to saputara..

I just remember, i was sitting at home and i got a whatsapp message from pratik with a photo of the ultrasound with a message below saying, "Single Hai".. I got super excited and downloaded the photo and saw the beautiful sac with a yoke sac.. Exactly what the first ultrasound should look like..

It was the start of a new journey.. a beginning of a new life.. our beautiful baby !!💘
I was happy that it was a single baby, but twins would have been fun.. or may be not so fun..
But anyway, single is much better.. Single pregnancy is usually very healthy than twins.. And at the end we want a happy healthy n beautiful baby !

So, i was happy and excited and cautiously optimistic.. But couldn't wait to see the next ultrasound.. which was after 15 days !!!!

The surrogacy journey...starts...

As soon as me and Pratik decided to go for surrogacy, it was time to talk to our parents about it.. It didn't take a lot of convincing really, coz our parents very well knew the pain we were going through.. So we didn't waste any time and rushed to our doctor and told her that we were ready..

Our doctor lined up potential surrogates for us to choose from and we went though their profiles and medical history and shortlisted 3 out of 5..  I liked these three surrogates but out of those 3 there was this one woman i liked the most..

Something happened during the initial days of our medications and the one i liked the most disappeared due to some reason.. I got a bit sad but then we had two more options out of which i liked one more.. and after a few days she disappeared too.. !!😨 I was angry and confused.. but then, few days later..i don't know what happened and the first woman showed up again and agreed to be our surrogate.. !👍

It was like a roller coaster ride.. One day our doctor gave the good news of finding the best surrogate and the other day she disappeared..  I mean.. seriously !!! Who does that !😳

But anyway, the day of our egg retrieval arrived and i was all prepared with all the injections i had taken the last 12 days.. expecting to get atleast 3 eggs.. But to our surprise.. the doctor got 9 mature eggs ! Out of which 7 fertilized ! I was surprised.. !!😍 Pretty good numbers for a patient like me with low fertility..

So basically, my darling baby was conceived on 21st March 2018 at 12.30pm !! I will always remember this date.. coz this was the day my little munchkin came into existence!!💕

On the second day after the retrieval, doctor transferred 3 healthy embryos into the surrogate and on the 5th day she transferred only 1 blastocyst.. we were a little sad as no embryos were left to freeze, but anyway that didn't matter much as we wanted only one healthy baby in the end.. And i am guessing any one out of the two embryos above, stuck..!!

12 days after the transfer we were going to get the results.. and frankly speaking i was pretty confident that its going to be positive.. It was only during the morning of the test day when i got super nervous and was constantly looking at my phone...

I remember i was having lunch with mummy when i got a text msg from my doctor saying that its positive.. !!! I said with excitement... "Mummy... Positive !!!"😍😍 while showing her the text msg..
The first report was superb with healthy HCG numbers.. i was very happy !!! I was dancing !!💃

After a week we did the second report and it was great too.. But since the numbers were on a higher side, my doctor predicted it might be twins.. Frankly speaking, single or twins.. i didn't care.. I just wanted a baby.. that's all !!

The entire IVF process, meeting the surrogate and everything else went very smoothly .. I was really nervous regarding how will i react.. how will i feel and what will i do... but i think i handled everything pretty well..

What happens if this doesn't work and what happens if something goes wrong.. questions like these  did come in my mind once.. but i tried not to think much about anything like that.. I don't know what went wrong in the past pregnancies, but i know one thing for sure that my over-thinking was definitely responsible for all wrong that happened with me.

Before going for surrogacy when i had doubts in my mind.. i asked every mother i knew and who knows my story, "How much is carrying our baby really important?" and "Which was the best part, pregnancy or the baby ??"  And everyone i asked this question to told me only one thing... The best part is after the baby arrives.. !!

And now i can't wait ... Just wanna hold my baby asap !!!!

A pool of all kinds of emotions..

After every miscarriage and before every new pregnancy was the worst time of my life.. It was full of the feeling of loss and failure..  I felt like i am never going to get the happiness of being a mother.. and being pregnant! And with every pregnancy news coming up either on Facebook or somewhere else.. i was getting more depressed and lost.. Jealousy was so much that i used to avoid some of these ladies.. Crying was something i did very frequently.. I had no idea how much time its gonna take for me to be a mom... Had no idea if i will be able to carry a pregnancy full term.. i was so clueless.. In short, i was miserable... I needed help..

Then there was also a time when i tried hard to pick myself up.. gave myself some motivation and tried to find new interests..Doing all this somehow made me strong.. slowly slowly i stopped crying so much... i started enjoying with Pratik..

But then, this new phase started coming up.. The "Hate" phase.. I started to hate kids, started to hate new parents who always talked about their kids.. started to hate friends who brought their kids along with them to our outings.. and a new thought process started.. may be i am better off without having a kid..

But only now i realize that the hating phase was just another form of depression.. Although i was not crying.. but i was still constantly thinking about kids..

I never really.. completely ditched the idea of babies and kids.. it was always there in my thoughts in some form or the other...

These three years were a mixed bag of emotions for me.. and the biggest struggle i have ever gone through.. till now.

After the sixth miscarriage, when the idea of surrogacy was certain in my mind.. i found another new emotion.. i don't know how to really explain it, its like.. you know that you are going to get what you really wanted since a long time, but you are not completely satisfied with it. I was happy, really happy.. but i was sad too.. for not carrying the pregnancy myself..

I really really wanted to experience pregnancy at least once in my life... just once ! It was my dream to carry that bump..and have baby shower and all.. But, i had to go for surrogacy.. It was a choice i had to make coz i couldn't let my body suffer anymore.. and I didn't want any more pain and bleeding...

Ohh!! that awful bleeding phase of the miscarriage.. It crushes you completely.. It is as horrible as experiencing a loss of your living child.. No one should ever experience this pain.. why to give a child in the first place when god just wanted to take it back!!?? I don't get it !

Fear, Anger, Sadness, Depression, Anxiety, Hatred, Jealousy, Helplessness... and many more of such negative feelings is what i felt in these 3 years.. But in the end, these feelings made me strong and made me appreciate what i have now.. I slowly learned not to give importance to these feelings.. coz feelings are temporary.. trust me.. its true !

May be i am saying all this right now because now i know i finally have someone.. my angle baby .. who is coming very soon this winter..

Who knows, if i was still struggling i might have been more depressed than i ever was... who knows !!

But right now.. I am so happy !!!!!! Finally... I am happy !!

The other 5 pregnancies...

After my first miscarriage, i was heart broken and depressed.. Had to attend a few baby showers.. which was the most difficult thing to do after the incident... I became fragile.. I was crying easily.. always had a sad face and lost interest in most of my daily activities...

A trip to Goa gave me some hope.. i thought, lets enjoy this last trip before i get pregnant again... Who knew back then, that this wasn't my last trip..

Got pregnant again after 3 months... I remember, my sisters were home the next day i got a positive test.. Had to pretend like i was absolutely normal while going through constant cramps.. Few days after they left, i miscarried... I was so disappointed... But then decided its time to go to a fertility specialist, as i sensed that something is definitely wrong with me...

My new doctor gave me a number of blood tests to do and found out few problems in me, which as per her, were easily solvable.. We tried again.. for the third time.. and got pregnant easily.. Only to miscarry just as easily.. I was shattered...!!! The third time?? Really???

This was totally unexpected and this was the time when i went into severe depression.. I might have done a few wrong things during this time.. Also had thoughts of hurting myself.. This was a dark phase of my life.. And i felt like i will never come out of this...

But somehow slowly i did.. But then another thing happened, i started thinking negative all the time... which for the first time resulted in no immediate pregnancies.. It was shocking for me that i didn't conceive on the first try... Which led us to the most wrong decision we ever took... IVF !!

IVF is a very difficult and a stressful procedure.. but somehow even after taking 100 injections i stayed hopeful and positive.. and thus.. i conceived.. Initially everything was going fine but as soon as i approached my 6th week, something went wrong and i miscarried...again ! I remember crying for the first time in front of the doctor..

Took a break, consulted every possible astrologer i know.. who told me 2017 is going to be my year.. and got hopeful again...

Even though i was hopeful this time, i didn't conceive immediately.. thus making us come to another wrong decision, FET!! This 5th pregnancy was absolutely wrong time.. with a death in the house and every possible relative around, it was hard for me to rest, thus resulting in a spontaneous miscarriage.. I was heartbroken but i was not depressed. With all these 5 miscarriages i had slowly developed the ability to be emotionally strong. I completely dropped the idea of getting pregnant... specially after developing a weird auto-immune disorder.

6th pregnancy was a complete surprise.. For the first time i had an unplanned pregnancy.. I thought, may be this was god's plan all along, specially after seeing a heartbeat.. which i only saw in 1st pregnancy till now.. But, i was wrong again... this was the pregnancy where i was the most miserable, in a lot of pain and distress and i just wanted to give up.. Ultimately, that did happen, god gave up this pregnancy for me.

Now i understood, pregnancy is actually not meant for me.. I am emotionally ready, but my body is still not ready.. I took this 6th pregnancy as my wakeup call.. realized that i am better off without it.. My body is not programmed for it to happen... I accepted this fact and took this whole experience as a "part and parcel of life"..!!

That's when i gave surrogacy a thought.. Surrogacy is always the last resort.. Nobody really wants it to happen.. Its only for those who don't have a choice.. For people like me.. whose bodies are not meant to carry a baby..

Initially, i used to have this thought that, i am not a complete women.. Women are supposed to get pregnant, and i felt like a failure 'coz i couldn't do it.. But now i have accepted my situation.. I feel absolutely okay..  I don't feel like a failure.. and thanks to my mother and my best friend who are proud of me for doing this.. I feel more like a woman... !!

The day it all started... My first pregnancy..

I wrote about the day i found out i was pregnant on my phone.. and titled it as "the best day of my life".. So unaware of what was gonna happen in future...

Here it is..

"Woke up at 5 in the morning... It was 15th august..2015 Independence day !!

Was concerned about my periods being 2 days late... On my will... I took a pregnancy test !!

All that was going through my mind while doing the test was... It will be negative... For sure...

And there I was... With the test strip in my hand waiting for the result...

At first it showed negative.. And I was like.. I knew it... Then slowly it started to turn positive...

I literally rubbed my eyes twice and took another look at the test strip... It was still showing positive ...!!

Couldn't control myself.. Took out my phone and called up Pratik...( he was out for marathon ) ...and there I was crying on the phone and telling would-be papa the big news...  As per Pratik.. He was in shock... 😝 but then he congratulated me !!

Later when he returned home .. We hugged and congratulated each other.. I had kept a rasgulla for him ... (Mooh meetha karne k liye)

Then we decided to tell mom.. So that she could guide us on what to do next.

On a small piece of paper I wrote.. Congrats Dadi and handed it over to her... She got surprised and was very happy.

Later she suggested to go to Meena Wakawala for further checkups..

By 11am we were at the doctor.. Waited for 2 hours for our turn and then doc checked me up .. And showed me my first ultrasound... I saw the first glimpse of my lil bundle of joy..  Felt so good. Doc also invited Pratik inside to see it.

Later I got all the advice from doc as to what to eat..how to sit and sleep... I was very satisfied with the whole first pregnancy doc visit experience.

As we were heading towards home from the clinic.. Me n Pratik decided to tell the family with a small video presentation...

But before that... It was time to tell Rashi bua... I took another chit and wrote.. Congrats hone Wali bua... And as she read it.. She was like.. "Really!!??!!" And jumped with joy and hugged me.

Later I got to work to make a video for Jaju side and Bhandari side family..

At around 5 in the evening.. Got the whole family together and told them that we were going to show a video presentation...

As the video progresses to the clip of a baby pic with coming soon written on it.. Everyone jumped with joy.. They all were so so happy... And super surprised. It was the best sight to see everyone happy together. Later me n Pratik sat down to cut the cake made my Rashi.

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Later it was time to tell the news too mummy papa piyu n aishu... I sent the same video ( Bhandari version) on whatsapp to all four of them...

Aishu was super surprised.. She couldn't believe herself.. Piyu was toh waiting for the news .. Papa also almost guessed the news and mummy toh started crying with joy.

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It was so nice to see everyone's reaction .

It was a perfect day !! And the best day of my life !!! Being a mom is the greatest gift !!"

I still remember this day.. I so wish this should have gone full term... Coz i was unaware of things that could go wrong.. and i was the most positive person that time.. But things had to end badly.. And this is what i wrote when i miscarried...

"Life without my baby...
11 sept.. The worst day of my life.. Got to know that my baby had stopped developing and that I had to abort it. Even though doc said that there is no hope I somehow felt that this cannot happen .. Most shocking was.. Even though I had concieved twins.. None of them developed... How can god be so cruel... I had two.. And he didn't even let one of them survive..

It's been 5 days since that day.. And I still feel the loss.. As Pratik said... It's a memory that will never fade...

I miss being pregnant.. I miss my baby.. I miss the feeling of something being inside me.. Now.. I am empty.. I feel so alone sometimes..

Before.. Even though I was alone..I had my baby to talk to.. Now.. It's just empty..

Miscarriage is difficult.. And I pray that no mother should go through it..

It's like.. One day I am feeling like a mom.. And other day.. It's gone.

I felt so responsible in that one month.. And now.. I don't feel like even taking care of myself.

A baby even though not born changes the way u think.. U live.. U start being more careful.. More sincere.. More responsible.. 

Every thought that comes to your mind is related about the baby.. It's a feeling ..it's excitement.. And it's there with u all the time..

And now.. It's gone.

I know its not the end of life.. Life will give me another chance..

But I am so desperate to have that chance.. I loved being pregnant.. Loved being a mom. I Loved my tiny baby... And I miss her a lot.. !"

Well, life did give me another chance.. in fact, 5 more chances.. But they all failed.. !!